They say that everything comes from the home. They tell us that our past experiences help shape who we are as individuals in the present. Like much of us, I had a less than grand childhood complete with a useless, neglectful biological father and the hateful, power-hungry stepfather. My childhood, by all means, was not lifetime movie material, so why bore you with specifics? However, I think having those past experiences with these two as “father figures” has definitely made its lasting mark on my personality. I, of course, anchored myself to my mother’s side and learned to stifle all emotion and thus my “resting b*tch face” was born. Don’t get me wrong, I am one of the nicest, most hyperactive people you’ll meet, but I taught myself to conceal any form of weakness and to trust that nobody would stick around —that humans would always fail you. I swallowed my vulnerability and prayed to God that it would never find its way out of the back door.
I could control my emotions like a light switch. I took pride in being hard, cold, and emotionless when I had to be. I remember my stepdad towering above me, throwing his man tantrum while he yelled in my face. For once, I was unfazed. I smiled internally as I stared him straight in the eye with my best blank face. I’d hoped that my eyes were the emptiest he’d ever seen. Noticing my expression, he yelled in my face..
“YOU THINK YOU’RE HARD?!”
To which I replied…
“Do you want me to be scared of you?”
Even at that young age, vulnerability was my worst enemy. Its shows up, unexpectedly, with good intentions, but only brings feelings of shame, guilt, and weakness. It results in a loss of power and control, which in turn is triggers me to rule my own body with the iron fist of abuse.
It lasted thirteen long years. We provided you with too many second chances and in return we only received a failed hope. The word “family” and “love” blinded us because those were the labels you were supposed to wear in our eyes, but they never stuck. Do you even realize what you did? Do you care even a little that you’ve hurt us to the point where we’ve excluded you from the family? Is there no fight lift in you to win us back or are you only filled with the fight to dominate, control, push, hate, poison, hurt, lie about, and feel superior over someone else’s life…more specifically, towards a family member’s life?
Did we even have a choice? Did you ever think what you were doing was hurting anyone and did you ever think to stop? Honestly, everything you did tore us apart, literally. My parents divorced because of you, the family believed the rumors you told about my mom(which caused my dad to side with his own family when my parents were together) and it also caused my mother to fall into depression again. Why did any of that have to happen? Why couldn’t we have started over and found forgiveness in our hearts as God teaches us to do? Did you never want that or did you not know how? My childhood and most of my teenage years were filled with fallen tears and scars left on our hearts by you. Does that make you feel anything?
I know for myself that I’ve felt too many things I should have never had to feel this early in life and it should have never been because of “family”. I remember watching my mom cry too often because of you, and sometimes it got so bad that she would have panic attacks and sometimes a small glass of wine to calm her down. Let me make one thing very clear right now about my mom that you will never get the chance to learn: my mother is an extremely strong person and she isn’t a drinker so for her to do any of that means more than you could ever fathom. All the crap you’ve put my mom through is so unreal. Do you realize that these past 13 years could have been spent growing a friendship with much laughter and love, you could have made lasting memories together and had countless inside jokes, but you threw the opportunity away. You’ve decided instead that you weren’t going to like my mom because she had what you wanted…my dad.
Honestly, how pitiful of you to think that while being married to one twin, you could also have the other.